home again

we're all moved in. we've got a poop load of unpacking to do. but we're home. w00t. i mean, woohoo! i got frutopia caps!

to those who've called or emailed me, and are mad that i'm blogging and not writing back or calling, it's 445am, and i'm too stupid to say anything coherent. but tomorrow. or, well, really i guess later today, i'll be more intelligent.

home. best 4 letter werd evah.

pregnancy test

unaware i inhaled
deeply
you knew better
took one cell divided to make hands
twisted my intestines
cats cradle
i exhaled, expelled
could not smoke
could not eat
did not know you were there
i was not expecting you
so, when you rang the
bell with 2 pink lines
i was caught with my pants down
and i thought
my house isn't clean
i don't cook
and i am sure that i am
not fit for you
in any form
but you formed
coalesced as i
convalesced
i eventually felt you
sooner than i thought
or maybe it was
mexican
but tiny burbles
became my small secret
until it was too big to keep
you reached out
cell divided fingers
looking for purchase on ribs
escape
my hand
rested always on your head
(i knew)
and i hoped you understood
how my terror did not negate my
love for you
and that i'd do anything
to protect the tiny toes
pirouetting on my bladder

quiz nos subs

Gorp Alert!
You're all granola and not a hint of milk. You're

very concerned about humanity and tend to be

active in all sorts of pursuits. You know

that it's important to be well-informed when

it comes to things you and your family do

and use. You make mainstream mommies

uncomfortable, but you don't mind because

you're happy with who you are! In fact, you

wish you could only convince them to leave

the Dark Side and join you in your quest for

perfection.... Sometimes just being labled

crunchy isn't enough for you. You're out to

prove it to the world! Try not to alienate

yourself too much mommy - even those with all

the answers need friends to lean on. Check

out mothering.com/discussions for some of

those...


http://www.quizilla.com/redirect.php?statsid=57&url=http://quizilla.com/users/
sunrayemomi/quizzes/Moms%3A%20How%20Crunchy%20Are%20You%3F">Moms: How Crunchy Are You?
brought to you by Quizillahttp://www.quizilla.com/redirect.php?statsid=56&url=http://www.quizilla.com">
Quizilla>

beeches.

so massachusettes was going to be the coolest state ever, when they limited the distribution of free formula gift bags in hospitals to only those mothers that requested them, rather than foisting them on all moms. it seems that the formula companies lobbied for this limitation to be vetoed. here is my letter to the gov. of mass.

Dear Governor Romney,

I am not a resident of your state. I am a mother, and an American. I am concerned about our governments response to public health with regard to infant feeding. Breastfeeding is not a lifestyle choice. It is a public health matter. Study after study has conclusively shown that breastfed infants are healthier.

I watched with great joy when your state agreed to distribute the "free" diaper bags only to mothers who requested them. These bags are heavily advertised, and any mother who has paged through a parenting magazine while waiting for a prenatal check up is well aware of their availability. What most don't know, is the cost of these "free" bags.

Studies have also shown that women who accept the formula tend to breastfeed exclusively for LESS than the recommended amount of time. This means that-in a situation where a mother with out the free formula may have breastfed exclusively for the recommended 6 month period, that same mother WITH the formula, may use it to supplement.

Medical information shows that introduction of anything other than breastmilk to an infants digestive system for the first 6 months of life can be opening the door to allergies, obesity, diabetes, and other public health nusiances. This includes the introduction of formula, which is usually made from cow's milk.

Formula is an acceptable medical alternative to breastmilk, in cases where breastmilk cannot be provided. No one is disputing that. But it is insidious, that the pharmecutical companies who are working on one side to better the quality of public health, are lobbying on the other side to undermine it.

The bill that your government recently tabled, is groundbreaking. It has the potential to stem the tide of cultural acclimation to bottlefeeding as the normal method of infant feeding. Breastmilk is, and always will be, the biological norm. By limiting the distribution of the free gift bags to only those mothers who ASK for them, you are in fact, making sure that all mothers are informed of their feeding choices. By handing them out willy nilly, you are possibly undermining the chances of some babies being exclusively breastfed for the first 6 months of life. And this opens up the door to a host of potential complications later in life.

I understand that most of us were formula fed, and 'we're just fine.' But I have to wonder at the validity of this statement. Formula feeding has been our societal norm for the better part of 50 years. And in the last 50 years, obesity, diabetes, and heart disease are all on the rise. Of course part of this is due to the increase in portion size, and the lessening selection of healthful choices on most restaraunt menus. But one has to wonder at the role of infant formula in this as well. Statistically, formula fed infants hold a greater risk for all of those health conditions. We often say that breastfed babies get the benefit of being low-risk. I feel this does a disservice to all infants. The fact is, whatever the outcome in breastfed babies is the NORMAL outcome. Breasts are designed to produce food for babies. Breastmilk is the biological norm. So any effects of NOT consuming breastmilk should be termed as RISKS. Any effects of consuming breastmilk should be termed the statistical norm.

In conclusion, I sincerely hope that your government agrees to implement the limitations on formula company gift distribution. It is only good health sense, to make sure that our future gets the healthiest start possible.

Sincerely,
Jaime *******

you can write to him also, at this website:http://www.mass.gov/Agovwebmail/WebMailPageControl.ser?level=101

house paint

I am so tired. but we're pretty much done painting. there's a few spots that need to be touched up, and we still have to do the kitchen, but everything is done for the most part. and they're laying the carpet today at 830am. w00t! i can't wait to see what it all looks like together. because the paint is already spec-friggin-tacular all by itself. and i can't wait to see what the laminate looks like laid out. all in all, i'm excited. but exhausted. off to bed we go.

bedhog

extended breastfeeding propaganda

i am seriously considering only nursing peanut until she is potty trained, and can wipe her own bum. these solid poops are just too much. i can't even deal. they're weird colors, they stink, and sometimes they are chunky, or lumpy, or the consitancy of spackle, or melted fruit leather.

i was okay with the milk poos, they were fine. i sort of thought by the time they resembled grown folk poo, she'd be potty trained. note the mood icon. by crappy, i mean, actual crap. *shudder*

i am a horrible mother

happy vd

did you ever notice, that on valentines day (which, while i dig the candy and stuff, is the holiday i vote most dubious in nature.) people who are writing things abbreviate it, and say 'happy vd'? i always initially read this as happy veneral disease. which makes a sick sort of sense, when you consider the number of people who will probably boff an almost total stranger, just to avoid being alone today. our culture is so weird. boycott hallmark!

spray paint

we started painting yesterday. it's awesome. we got a wagner paint sprayer, and did a room and a half in under 2 hours. w00t! totally worth the expenditure. i'm lovin this.

in da house

we went paint shopping today, for the new house. w00t! it's friggin slick. i think i'll wait and post pix once the painting is done. we're doing some hardcore design type shite. i love being with a graphic designer. it's gonna be awesome. and with the new carpet, and the new kitchen floor-seriously. i'm so excited. and it will be done before we move in-you know, to give the place time to air out. which means it'll be done before peanuts b-day. which means that it'll be done for the party. which is going to friggin rock! and anyone who reads my blog, and can get to south carolina on march 15th, is totally invited.

anyway. i'm exhausted. stoopid mastitis. i need to go to sleep. gotta have lotsa energy to paint tomorrow!

mama thoughts

how can i explain love
in soft syllables
and the touch of tongue
to teeth
voluptuous and
euphoric
and spectacular
and
true it's
like home and
fleece blankets
with hot chocolate
no marshmallows to
mask the velvety pure
taste and
i know each day is a gift
even when it seems unending
i count smiles
not hours
these minutes will vanish
soon behind closed doors
loud music and
boy/girl parties with
7 minutes in heaven
and bottles spinning hopefully
but for now
i will hold my lips just so
speak words like
small and
soft
safe
and peaceful with
her cradled in my arms
milky sleepsmiles painting
rainbows on her face
i will
love.

ow

suck on a donkey bum. i seem to have mastitis, or a plugged duct, or something-i'm running a fever of 101.3, and my right boob feels like it might shatter if i look at it wrong. this just happens to be the same side of my body where i had shingles, so now, in addition to the whole boob issue, i've got some weird referred nerve pain.

tomorrow is the LLL meeting. good timing.

tha noo hotness

things i can't live without-or-the new hotness

my mei tai carrier by dani (email me for details)
fruit puffs
flip flops
wide legged jeans
niobium body jewelry
my ipod (or, as i call it, the boodaflipod)
my cell phone
the gerber sippy stacker
the britax wizard carseat
my library card

these things, have made being me, or being a mom, or both, so much easier. if you are me, or a mom, or both, i recommend them whole heartedly.

we love quizzzezz super happy fun a go go

The crunchy factor indicates how much of a natural mama you are--you know, crunchy,
like a "granola girl." :-) Take this fun little quiz, and then see my score below!

Do you have homebirths?
15 points for “yes” (unassisted)
10 points for “yes” (with a midwife in attendance)
5 points for alternative birthing center
2 points for “thinking about/would like homebirth”
0 for “no” (wouldn’t consider it).

Will you circumcise future sons?
5 points for “no”
-5 points for “yes”.

Do you use cloth diapers?
20 point if you do Elimination Communication (no diapers)
15 points if “yes” (wash and make your own)
10 points if “yes” (wash your own)
5 points if “yes” (diaper service)
2 points if “thinking about it”
0 points if “no” (wouldn’t consider it).

Do you observe your fertility signals using Natural Family
Planning/Fertility Awareness and use that for birth control/trying to conceive?
10 points for “yes” (observe and use for birth control/ttc) or you use ecological
breastfeeding/lactational amnorrhea
5 points for “yes” (observe for trying to conceive)
2 points “thinking about it”
0 points for “no” (wouldn’t consider it).

Do you breastfeed exclusively for the first 6+ months?
10 points if “yes”
5 points for “no” (use occasional bottles of expressed breastmilk)
2 points for “no” (use occasional bottles of formula)
0 for “no” (don’t breastfeed by choice).

Do you co-sleep/family bed?
10 points for “yes” (all night every night)
5 points for “yes” (part/all of most nights)
2 points for “thinking about it”
0 points for “no”.

Do you use a sling/soft carrier?
5 points for “yes”
2 points for “thinking about it”
0 points for “no” (wouldn’t consider it).

Do you believe in/practice child-led weaning
(even if that means breastfeeding for several years)?
15 points for “yes” (complete child-led weaning)
10 points for “yes” (up to 3 years)
5 points for “yes” (up to 2 years)
2 points for “thinking about it”
0 points for “no” (you’ll wean the baby at 1 year or earlier).

Do you tandem nurse/nurse during your pregnancy?
10 points for “yes” (nurse during pgcy and tandem nurse)
5 points for “yes” (nurse during pgcy, but wean before birth)
2 points for “thinking about it”
0 points for “no”(wouldn’t consider it).

Do you eat organic/whole/natural foods and limit your meat?
15 points for “yes” (grow own/buy organic, shop only at health food store,
grind own wheat, vegetarian, etc.)
10 points for “yes” (grow some of own food, buy organic,
use whole wheat flour, bake own bread, eat some meat occasionally)
5 points for “yes” (try to buy natural, whole grain foods, etc.)
2 points for “thinking about it”
0 points for “no” (wouldn’t consider it).

Do you use herbal/homeopathic remedies?
10 points if “yes” (very rarely see a regular doctor)
5 points if “yes” (but use a doctor occasionally)
2 points if “thinking about it” (see a doc for now)
0 points for “no” (wouldn’t consider it).

Do you homeschool?
10 points if “yes” (currently homeschool)
5 points for “yes” (will homeschool)
2 points for “thinking about it”
0 points for “no” (wouldn’t consider it).

What's your take on childhood vaccinations?
15 points for no vaccines
10 for delayed, selective vaccination
5 points for selective, on schedule vaccination
2 points for thinking about not vaccinating
0 points for vaxing on schedule.

Would you/have you ever breastfeed/fed someone else's baby
or have someone else bf your child?
10 points if yes (have or someone has bf your baby)
5 points if yes (would)
2 points if maybe 0 if no (wouldn't consider it).

Do you use cloth/re-usable products for mom?
10 points if yes (make own)
5 points if yes (buy own)
2 points if thinking about it
0 points if no.

Ratings
120 – 140 Super Nutty, Ultra-Crunchy Granola Earth Mama
90 – 119 Mmm! Love that whole-grain crunch!
60 – 89 Pretty Crispy
20 – 59 Sprinkled with Granola
5 – 19 Instant Oatmeal
0 - 4 Jell-O

i scored 109. the first time i took this quiz (while preggo) i scored a 21. to quote johnson and johnson-having a baby changes everything.

hating everything

i want a cigarette. i can't take this. i have no idea how i'm supposed to simultaneously work and take care of peanut. if i had an out of home job, gene would HAVE to deal with her. maybe i should just go work at a mini mart. or get a laptop, keep this job, but work in the parking lot of a mini mart. this is impossible. i'm so frustrated. i feel so unproductive, like i'm not good at either task. but at least i theoretically *could* nap later, if i didn't have a million other things to do. but i have a million other things to do. i have a pain in my shoulder. i hate everything. except peanut. altho i wish she'd go to sleep.

plight of the fumble-me

i should be working. i have this sweet at home gig, and it is 5 am, and i have no business being on myspace, and yet, here i am. i am telling myself that it's because i'm nursing the baby, and i find that my work gets a bit sloppy when i can only type with one hand. that being said, here i am, typing with one hand. i find the internet incredible, just in terms of locating folks i figured i'd permanatly lost touch with. places like this, and friendster rawk. (i've decided to co-opt rawk, despite my stunningly non-punk demeanor, just because i think it's way funnier than dawg.) i'm a little grumpy. i worked all last night, ran errands for most of today, so i'm currently running on about 3 hours of sleep. and sleep with peanut, while rewarding, and fostering a deep and secure attachment, is not always restful. so i put her to bed with gene, and she has wakened like, 4 times. so finally, i just brought her out here. because apparently, i'm the only person who can do nighttime parenting. *sigh* this makes it harder to work, because she's not used to being in a playpen for long periods of time, so this means she fusses every 20 minutes or so, and then i take her out, and snuggle, and put her back. then repeat. my attention span hates this, because it makes it harder to work. something's gotta give. i don't think it should be the baby.

random writing

my body is softer now,
because of her
my hard places
worn smooth by small fingers clutching

it is unfamiliar, like a new lover
these rounded contours
where angles used to live

i wonder if it confuses him
as much as it confuses me
his hands hesitate
he knows the notes
this strange piano plays

i don't know that i want to be hard again.
these tender curves hold their bodies
so much closer
like my soul
and vulnerability is an example best set early

cosleeping poem

slipping into sleep

she reaches for me

brushes my arm

knows i am there for her

and settles.

i lay wakeful

watching

vigilant against monsters

that don't exist for her

if i could keep her this innocent

if i could keep her this safe

always.

more breastfeeding thoughts

i was watchin this movie last night, called 'baby daddies' and it pretty much epitomized how intrinsic formula feeding is to our culture. which then, led me to think about WIC (because, as you may have intuited by the title, those in the movie were ostensibly low income) and how, i'm pretty sure WIC is racist.

let me breakdown my thought process. In America, WIC is designed to provide 'optimal nutritional oportunities for women, infants, and children.' sounds good, right? but optimal nutrition for an infant, is breastmilk. WIC hands formula out like halloween candy. They have these so-called peer counselors, who are like, mini lactation consultants, but where I live, they're pretty dismally educated. and from what i've heard, that seems to be an across the board occurence. so we've got poorly educated breastfeeding counselors, combined with a gov't agency that gets kickbacks from the formula companies. add into that the concept that the predominant demographic for WIC is low income black folks, and i think we've got a compelling case for racism.

they've done studies which show that infants who are exclusively breastfed have on average, a 12 point increase in IQ.

some economics theorist, i forget who, once said that the status quo will do anything to maintain the status quo. i think, that our government has proven this over and over again. we underfund urban schools, to ensure that there will always be a 'working poor' to mow lawns, and collect trash. no one disputes this. so is it a stretch to think that the gov't pushes a subpar product to start the process off?

i think not...

lets try it again

i've been away from this for a bit. i've been writing in a 'real' journal, things that i want peanut to remember, and know, in the future. but it's almost 5 in the morning, and we're awake, so i thought, why not.

i wonder about our culture sometimes. how did we get to the place where bottlefeeding is normalised, and breastfeeding stigmatized? i was on a freebie site the other day, where someone posted the infamous 'free' diaper bag from enfamil. i responded to that post that it wasn't really free, that the cost of that was included in the revenue projections of the company, which factors in components like marketing and advertising. i also pointed out that there've been studies that show moms who take the free formula are less likely to breastfeed for the recommended year. i got villified! like i was saying formula was dangerous. (which it is, but that's a WHOLE other story.) but everybody knows breast is best. even the stupid formula cans say it! so why, on shows like 'a baby story' and others, do they show 98% of the moms bottlefeeding. why are our breastfeeding rates so dismal? i get that for a while, the formula companies had everyone convinced that formula was superior to breastmilk, but that theory has been debunked for a LONG ass time now. so what's the lag? i mean, people caught on to buying formula with DHA and ARA. that seems to have happened w/o too much trouble. do people need a marketing campaign for breastmilk? if you got a free diaper bag for breastfeeding, would the rates soar? should La Leche, or the AAP, or the WHO start directing funding towards effectively BRIBING women to do what is best for their child? this seems ridiculous to me.

I get that there are women for whom breastfeeding just doesn't work. In fact, after 5 months of struggling with my allergies/reflux, my mom had to wean me to formula. so i'm super happy it exists, or probably, i wouldn't. but it seems to me that, as it is an inferior substitute (4th on the list-it goes, breastfeeding, pumped breastmilk, donor milk, formula.) it should be used as a LAST resort. not the societal norm that it's become. i think it's a public health issue. so many doctors are afraid of offending moms who choose formula, or making them feel guilty, that they don't cover the risk benefit ratio like they would with any other medication. i just don't get it. stop smoking, they'll say. lose weight. no crack! but you want to feed your kid something that can cause menengitis if you don't mix it right? even though you have a perfectly good, function set of mammary glands? go ahead, wouldn't want to offend you. puh-lease.

anyway. that's my moment for the day.