crying a very angry donald duck cry. this was, i'm sure due to the mucous and such in her lungs-never the less, it was hilarious. of course, i was also overwhelmed-by emotion, morphine, and the sight of my uterus, fishbowled in an overhead lamp, split open like a rather unpleasant watermelon. Oddly, it turns out the c-section was rather unnessecary, since once they opened me up, she was head first. Also oddly, I went into labor the night before. My contractions didn't get close together and hard until about an hour before surgery. I'm sort of ambivilant about having a c-section...on the one hand, her head WAS 14 inches around. On the other, she was head first-so I prolly could have at least tried. In anycase, its a rather moot point. The fabbity thing is-SHE IS HEALTHY! and beautiful. the most perfect lil peanut ever. 7 punds 14 oz. 18.5 in long. and a brunette mohawk. *sigh* so here's how it went down. we get to the hospital on time (huge shock, right?) and proceed to sit around and wait. now, i'm 9 months pregnant, and I haven't eaten or drank anything since midnight. This is 8 hours of famine and dehydration. This is cruel and unusual punishment. this is making me want to french kiss the peppermint out of the intake clerks mouth. and she looks skeevy. so you can see how desperate i am. so we fill out paperwork, then sit. and sit. and i get odd looks from the clerk because i'm sitting on table, instead of in a chair. this is because my ass needs its own zip-code. so she may bite me. often and with relish. anyways. then they take me into this room to prep me. i think this means give me pre-op drugs. instead, i am presented with the homeless womans hospital apparell. a gown with stars in a very patriotic theme. brown socks with non-slip grippers on the bottom. and a blue paper hat. i do style so well. so i'm dressed in my hospital best. and then this very dour woman comes in and says in a STRONG southern accent (which shouldn't surprise me, since this IS south carolina, and yet, it does.) lift up yer gown there. so i do. because i'm about to give birth, after all, even if it is surgically...so i assume my bits are to be inspected. ha. she proceeds to sponge me down with a moist towelette (i SWEAR it was lemon scented) and then shave me. no cream, no foam, not even a little lotion. and i think she went againt the grain on purpose. its ridiculously difficult to make small talk when you're being shaved with a sickle. so i didn't even try, and just prayed i wasn't losing too much blood. then the other nurse (whom i overheard talking about how she liked to get high in high school) comes in, and tells me she's going to put my iv in. oh goody. stoners with needles. fab. so while she's doing that, this tall bald black man sticks his head in behind the curtain (at least at this point i'm done being shaved) and asks if i remember him. .... .... nope. not a clue. turns out he was the daddy of a newborn i'd been flirting with at walmart the night before. (yes i went to walmart the night before my baby was due. shut up. we needed stuff.) so it was actually reassuring to see a familiar face-even tho i didn't remember him till he said who he was. then they let gene and mommy come back. and we hang out. and my contractions are now to the point where i can no longer pretend they aren't happening. especially since peanut is SO not asleep, and is, in fact, attempting the difficult triple axel in utero loop. and i'm thinking, wouldn't it be funny, if she just popped out. and i know that doesn't happen in real life. but i'm thinking it anyway-when they come to wheel me away for surgery. so mommy goes off to get bloodwork done, and gene and i start the trek down the corridor to meet peanut for the first time. and we just break thru these swinging blue doors-when they tell the anesthesiologist whos chauffering us, to take us back, we've been bumped. BUMPED! i am frantic. bumped for how long? 10 hours of no food is not something i'd like to repeat! only an hour. okay. i can deal. so we sit some more. somewhere along the line, gene realizes my IV is leaking. While the nurses try to figure out whos to blame and whos going to fix it, i am realizing that i have to pee. desperately. apparently my body squeezed the remaining half ounce of fluid from somewhere, and now my bladder is protesting the strain. i threaten to unplug my ownself, if they don't let me pee. they oblige. my contractions make me a little bit dizzy when i stand. they're now 5 mins apart. i hope this other emergency c-section goes quickly. i lumber back to the bed. no sooner am i hooked to the iv-i have to pee again. this is ridiculous. i decide to hold it. they put a catheter in anyway. its not like i have to be empty. finally the doctor shows up. laughs at the fact that i'm in labor. says she and the baby must've agreed that today was a good day to be born. off we go (again) down the hallway through the swinging blue doors. then i get wheeled into a room. they make gene wait outside. i'm a little nervous-but they say he can come in after they give me drugs. which they do forthright. and then i'm numb and on my back. and there's gene. and a burning smell. like burning plastic. i ask about that...turns out its me. *vomit* altho the morphine kept me from really caring that they had apparently set my stomach on fire. then i look up-into a bright white light. and for a split second, i'm convinced i've died. then i see a reflection in the light-well, on the glass fishbowl covering the light. its red. and goopy. and, oh, gross. it's my uterus. i have NEVER wanted to be that close to me. but wait...there's a fuzzy thing there. oh god-i have a fuzzy body part! that CAN'T be healthy! the doctor opines on the fact that the baby has presented head first, after all that. gene is grinning like the cheshire cat, and i can't stop looking at the gaping fuzzy redness that is my belly. then they pull the fuzzy thing out...OH! it's the baby's head. DUH. i am such a tard. and she cries. and its beautiful. and shes real. really real. i am officially a mom. and she is my daughter. and she is PISSED. and her cry reflects this. and i tell gene to go to her. and she cries like donald duck. and i can't not laugh at that. and they show me to her. pink and not at all winston churchill-y. and she stops crying when i touch her head. and i can't seem to breathe, but that might just be the drugs. but then they take her (much too soon) and i make gene go with her. and i have a bud light moment with the docs, (i love you guys) and they mention maybe they gave me too much morphine ha ha ha, and send me off to recovery, where i stay for FAR too long because they don't have a room-and then they do. and theres my baby. and she's perfect. and she nurses. and i can't even speak. and thats how peanut came into the world.
